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June 16, 2005
What to do?
I've been feeling a little on the guilty side by not writing in so long. I'm back in NYC, still growing. I had a nice little retreat in Oklahoma City. But the true test is when I'm involved in my every day life at home and at work. The past few weeks have been some good trying times. I've been challenged many mornings after working till 2am. It's easy being patient and peaceful when nothing is really challenging you. A few days ago, I was extremely tired, and I could barely get out of bed. My kids were wide awake and running rampant. Glaucia was practically begging for my help. Normally, I'd lose my patience and just burst out in anger, scaring my kids with some loud yelling. Most people who know me would never imagine me getting angry, but I can, especially when it comes to family.
Anyway, I was sitting up in bed wishing I could go back to dream land for many more hours, kids full of energy demanding attention, Glaucia getting frustrated that I'm not jumping out of bed to assist her, when I suddenly realized that all the craziness that was trying to push me over the edge was exactly what I needed to experience growth. It became very real to me that God was answering my prayers for strength and patience. It felt soooooooo good to know that He was right there, trying to teach me His ways. Joy filled my heart and I laughed at how amazing God is and how powerful and loving He is. I got up out of bed and helped Glaucia get the kids ready for the day. I was encouraged the whole day, believing that God is in control of any situation.
It's been blowing my mind away the more I realize how PRESENT God is. from Isaiah 6:3:
"Holy, Holy, Holy, is the LORD of hosts,
The whole earth is full of His glory."
How many times do we claim that we want to hear God's voice? I think we sometimes don't realize what we are asking for when we ask God to speak to us. We cannot be the same if we hear Him. Hearing and seeing Him will make us change. I cannot come to work and just go with the flow as I've done so many times before. After hearing and seeing God, I become guilty of a greater sin if I stay the same. He is so great that if I see His greatness, I should be so amazed that I couldn't keep my mouth shut, nor hold any grudges against anyone. When Isaiah saw the angels singing about God's glory he screams:
"Woe is me, for I am ruined!
Because I am a man of unclean lips,
And I live among a people of unclean lips;
For my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts."
Seeing Him shines light on how big of a sinner I am. But I also know that I am forgiven. How can I even entertain the ideas of fearing another person's judgement, looking down on someone, laughing at someone, holding grudges against someone, when deep down in the core of my heart I am still a sinner and I have the tendency to rebel against God and not to trust Him?
I have been feeling like I should be doing something, but I just don't know what exactly that is. I don't know if I'm to leave my job and go into full-time missions. Or maybe the problem is that my job is the mission field and I need to fully realize that. I am thinking it is the latter, but I could be wrong. It would be much easier to be fully dedicated to God while holding a position (missionary) where people expect me to be that way, than to be fully dedicated to God while in a position at work where people don't know what a relationship with God is.
So I don't know if there is more I should be doing here at work, or if there is more for me to do outside of this work. Also, the Spirit within me longs and longs to see Jesus. Being a child of God in this world is almost a little crazy. I've been having dreams where Jesus is calling us to Him from the sky. Oh man, wouldn't it be great to be alive during the time that He returns! Either way, I know I'll get to meet Him and the anticipation practically makes me burst! A crazy thing about this is that I keep getting sad, too. I'm sad because there are plenty of people that I care about who just don't have that hope growing inside them. Not only that, but I've been holding back my joy that the hope creates within me because I let myself believe that I should control the Spirit. What am I thinking? How can I rely on my own tiny brain and not on God the Creator?
So, what should I do? I don't know yet. I'm waiting on God. I believe He is working and that's all I need to believe. I can ask for your prayers -- that would be much appreciated. I can hardly wait for the power of God to be revealed. New York is going to have a great revival very soon, I just know it. We're going to see some real, solid, concrete miracles of healing, repentance, and lots of praise coming from thousands of people in New York. Maybe this Billy Graham thing will help spark the fire. We'll see.
Posted by fabijo at June 16, 2005 12:32 AM